Fucking Nick

Nick was an out of work actor, and not the most cleanly of fellows.

Nick’s style?

Half eaten waffles in the sink with syrup. Dirty socks left on my couch overnight.

Nick was my roommate.

One day Nick dragged his ass off the couch and went to Costco. He bought the big ol’ Costco milk—two gallons of the stuff. He drank one gallon, and left the other in the fridge, unopened. The expiration date came and went, but the milk didn’t go anywhere. It sat there for about two-and-a-half months past the expiration date...

"I am not throwing Nick’s milk away." I told myself. The gallon jug was still sealed, so I wasn’t too worried about it stinking up the place.

...and then one day it was gone.

"Good, he finally threw it away." I thought.

About three weeks later, it was a delightful Saturday morning and I had just roused myself out of bed. I was walking down the hall.

La, la, la.

About halfway down the hall I noticed an odd smell. As I advanced closer to the living room, the smell got… unpleasant.

Uhhhh, what’s that smell?

I entered the living room and the full-power bona fide smell hit me. Hard.

It smelled like someone took a great big steamy dump right in the middle of the living room. When I say it smelled like shit, I’m not just saying it smelled bad—because it actually smelled like shit, humorless, hardcore, I-don’t-even-know-what-was-in-that-burrito kind of shit.

And what was Nick doing during this odor abomination? He was splayed out on the couch flipping channels with the remote. “Hey, Dude.” He said to me. He didn't seem to even notice the stench.

“Urgh, Nick, what’s that smell?!!” I asked.

“Oh, sorry dude.” He says in a lackadaisical no-big-deal kind of way, like he farted or something.

Let me tell you, God could have farted and it wouldn’t have smelled that nasty.

I shook my head and hunted for the smell. I followed my nose around the counter and spied some unusual white stuff on the floor near the cabinets. I reached down and found that—

Some time ago, for reasons unknown, Nick took the milk out of the fridge and put it in the cabinet.

...and it EXPLODED!!!

Milk. Fridge. Cabinet.

Explode.

Maybe he was trying to hide the milk. Maybe he didn’t want to carry it the extra five feet to the trash. Maybe he was just the biggest dumb ass in the history dumb asses. Who knows?

That very same day my friend Tarik called me and told me that his roommate was moving out. Was I interested in moving?

Yes, God damn it. Yes, I was.

Fucking Nick.